Everybody on the right seems so pledge happy these days. Grover Norquist has the no tax pledge that most Republicans have signed essentially guaranteeing them as lifetime members of the party of Hell No! Jim DeMint has the Cut, Cap, and Budget pledge. There’s a marriage pledge floating around (which I think is an anti-gay pledge in disguise). Not to be outdone, even I was asked by the Progressive Change Campaign Committee (who routinely hit me up for money by e-mail) to take a pledge not to support President Obama if he allows cuts to Medicare or Social Security. I didn’t take the pledge though to be honest, if Obama did such things I might be inclined to withhold support absent a really good reason.
Obviously there are some pledges that should be honoured. If you’re married, for example. Or if you’re ever dragged into court to testify it probably behooves you to promise to tell the truth. That reminds me, If I’m not a Christian but I swear on a Bible, does that negate the pledge? And what happens if after they ask me to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God I say ‘No’? And what if I proceeded to tell the truth anyway? This is making my head hurt.
Didn’t Pledge used to be something that manicurists named Madge allegedly made ladies soak their hands in, much to their horror as they exclaimed ‘Dishwashing liquid?!?’. Not to worry; I never understood it, either. So what’s up with all this ‘I need to know you’re loyal to the Empire’ stuff?
I’ve alluded to the reasons before. It strikes me as an act of desperation from a political party that knows it is losing influence. It’s important to reaffirm your loyalty to the flawed principles of the paling party. And why give credence to a pledge by Grover Norquist anyway? He’s not an elected individual. From what I can tell he makes a living being a foil or an antagonist. Why did all but seven elected Congressional Republicans sign on to his no-taxes-whatsoever-from-now-on pledge?
Well, if Norquist can be taken seriously, then so can I. I present to you the Inverse Pledge Pledge (IPP). Think of it as a get out of pledge free card. Experiencing buyers remorse over that Norquist pledge? Sign on below. Worried about being accosted by future pledges that will limit your ability to govern? This is your ticket out. If you act now, I’ll throw in free instructions on how to make your own tin-foil hat to keep those pesky mind controllers at bay.
I urge all Congressional Republicans and Democrats to sign this pledge immediately so that actual governance can begin to take place on the hill. It’s also legitimate for any interested members of the public as well.
The Inverse Pledge Pledge
I (state your name) do hearby solemnly swear to ignore all previous or future pledges made under duress with the exception of the Pledge of Allegiance to the country (under God optional), elected office, court proceedings, and any marital vows I may have taken or shall take in the future (gay or straight). This pledge absolves me from any guilt I may have accrued when I was guilt-tripped by peer pressure into signing ridiculous loyalty oaths in the past. I am now free to make decisions based upon current circumstances unimpeded by the restrictions I may have agreed to previously.
See? It feels good already, doesn’t it? If you have any trouble in the future, just show ’em your IPP or otherwise plead the 5th (amendment, not whiskey). Oh, and that marriage clause? There’s a work around with a good divorce attorney.